What Trauma Looks Likes →

In this powerful short film from producers Nathanael Matanick and Christina Matanick, we witness the impact of domestic violence on a young girl.  The consequences of her caregivers’ violence are far-reaching.  The girl's world is shattered, her family breaks apart, and her life is turned up-side-down.   

This is trauma.

This film shows graphically how trauma fragments the world outside.  But it also depicts how the world within is injured.  Trauma undermines self-esteem and erodes trust,  setting the stage for difficulties ahead.

As difficult as it is to watch,  the film illuminates the core elements of trauma.  It offers a starting place for understanding, repair, and hope.

Stress in a Stressful Time

Even if your life before this year was relatively smooth sailing, likely, you are not making it through this year unscathed. After all, who could mentally prepared for civil unrest, unemployment, natural disasters, and a global pandemic all at once?

The dramatic events of 2020 are especially difficult for those with a trauma history. People with trauma include those whose past is marked by economic insecurity, frequent moving, homelessness, food insecurity, sudden or unexpected loss, or medical trauma.

Trauma survivors typically develop an “Early Warning System,” alerting against perceived danger. For example, suppose your parents fought a lot when you were a child. In that case, you are likely to be especially sensitive to tension, conflict, or discord around you. This additional sensitivity offers insight as to why today’s upheavals are incredibly stressful for trauma survivors.

 If this sounds like you or someone you know, what can you do?

Become fully aware of your feelings and name them.

If you’re watching the news at home and feel panic starting to flood your system, become consciously aware of your reactions. After acknowledging your feelings, recall that you have heightened sensitivity to current events because of your past traumas. Try watching the feelings as, in most cases, they will fade in time. Also, this is an excellent time to change your environment, like going for a walk.

Use your support system.

By putting your truth on the table with someone you trust and acknowledging the impact it’s having on you, you’re gaining control over the uncontrollable. You’re also modeling to others that it’s okay for them to share with you. If you have a limited support system, it might help do some resourcing online or in therapy.

Self-care is important.

Stretching, yoga, journaling, meditation, cooking, or watching comedy can help you feel safe and present. Taking good care of ourselves requires making your needs a priority. As we take better care of ourselves, we will show up as a better partner, parent, worker, and friend.  

If what helps you happens to be watching puppy videos on Instagram, please tag us so we can also enjoy a little puppy Prozac!

Be kind to yourself.

The world was stressful before 2020, and it certainly doesn’t seem to be winding down any time soon. Allow yourself to feel sad, scared, stressed, exhausted—whatever comes up. Give yourself time to acknowledge and validate these feelings. You may find it helpful to acknowledge at least one positive for every negative thing you noticed.Are you struggling to go back into the office? Remember that you now have half the traffic you used to  Struggling trusting yourself? Remember, it’s okay to not feel like the authority after your entire world has changed. Ask someone you trust what their honest evaluation is of the situation.

Making small adjustments like this work to help you to keep you in balance.

If there was ever an appropriate time to feel a little crazy, this is it. If you find that your internal alarms are going off an awful lot lately, remember you are hardly alone, and at least you know your system is working! Finally, if you are struggling to turn them off, we are happy to connect you with help. Feel free to call us at 866-522-2472 or drop us a line at bizoffice@birchcounseling.com.  

THRIVING DURING SOCIAL ISOLATION

Of all the adjustments we need to make during the COVID-19 pandemic perhaps the most challenging is learning to live with social isolation.  In this post I am sharing a link which features undoubtably an expert in social isolation, astronaut Chris Hadfield, who has spent many months on the International Space Station.  Hadfield encourages embracing these challenging times including enjoying the slower pace and perhaps learning something new.

Hadfield also points out that living on the International Space Station, like living through a pandemic, involves being isolated in a high-risk environment.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uL5sqe5Uk8&feature=youtu.be

Hadfield offers the following key points:

Know the Risks.  Hadfield recommends that we go to a reliable source to understand “what is truly the risk you are facing.”  This clarity will help you stay balanced and “not be afraid of everything.”

Create Clear Goals.  Hadfield says it is important to set goals for the next day, next week, and month.  Goals give structure to your life.

Acknowledge your Constrains. Who is telling you what you need to do?  What financial resources do you have? What are your obligations?

Take Action. Once you are informed on actual risks and you have set your goals keeping in mind realistic constraints, take action.  Aside from taking care of your family and yourself, Hadfield suggest that you can try things you have never done before.  He points out that with the Internet and all that it allows access to “there is never been a better time to self-isolate.”

Sourced from:

Hadfield, C. (2020, March 21). An Astronaut's Guide to Self Isolation. Retrieved March 22, 2020, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uL5sqe5Uk8&feature=youtu.be

Accepting what is versus chasing happy

Somewhere, somehow most of us have learned that a happy life means never having to feel anything other than positive emotions.  When sadness visits, or anger, or disappointment, it feels sick, like something is wrong with us. It feels as though we are not enough, our lives are not enough.  We try to distract from negatives and chase happy feelings, only to fall short again and again.

What if we could learn to work with these “negative” feelings in a way that better informs us?  Accepting and being curious about the entire range of our emotions can help us become more compassionate, healthy and ultimately more resilient.  

An introduction to acceptance in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Acceptance means letting go of struggling with thoughts, feelings, and circumstances when doing so gets in the way of building a meaningful life.

Breaking news: Office Canine Willow loses mind over SNOW

As you all know, we had our first big snow of the season and Willow LOVED it. How can we tell? Uh, she ran through the white stuff in circles, jumped into the big piles…also ate it. She turns nine months on Dec. 6th and already weighs in at over 60 lbs. Willow will be sharing Thanksgiving with her parents and delight in snow as well as baked sweet potato treats. Feel free to ask our Office Manager Hannah for the recipe. Make sure to stop by Hannah’s desk in Golden Valley, say ‘hi’ to Willow (caution: expect to be showered with affection) and let her show off her favorite tattered toy.

As for recent accomplishments: Willow graduated from intermediate obedience and begins advanced training in January. She will then be able to take the Canine Good Citizenship test and begin therapy dog training. Yay, Willow!

Willow loses her mind: SNOW!!!

Considering a better Life? Please Read Further.

Everyone needs guidance in life. Think about all the stages of life; someone taught us how to walk, how to talk, and how to feed ourselves. Later in life we need support in learning how to drive, how to manage finances, how to study, and how to get a job. Many of us seek guidance for the basic necessities of life. So when it comes to how to manage feelings of low self-worth, depression, anxiety, stress, crisis in relationships, and chemical use concerns, why is there often hesitation to seek support? Let’s address some of these barriers below:

"The problem is not that bad"

Sure, things might be going okay, but why be satisfied with an unsatisfying lifestyle? If we catch the concerns early, we can prevent the problem from getting worse. Often, symptoms of prolonged stress or sadness are the warning signs that some area in our life may need further attention. It’s just like seeing the doctor when you have minor pain for preventative care.

“I should be able to handle these concerns on my own; others seem to manage fine without professional support”

Others manage the problem because they did receive support. The support doesn’t always have to come from a professional. Our parents and caretakers are given the responsibility to navigate us through life, but they don’t always have the tools to navigate through every problem in life, or it may be something they are not familiar with. Many of us did not have the proper guidance from their family because of an absent/abusive parent or the parent was never given the tools to cope with the problem themselves. A trusted counselor, teacher, respected leader, or family member can give to us what we never received in the first place.

Stigma around seeking support for mental health

Many people would not hesitate to take off of work to address a serious injury or illness; yet they neglect their own mental well-being? The stigma around “mental health” is being addressed better than ever now, but it still exists. Everyone is prone to sadness, stress, traumatic experiences, insecurity and fear. If you were to deny ever experiencing any negative thoughts or emotions, then you would either be a robot or be in denial (see below). The healthy person is the one that gains insight into these symptoms and obtains support in addressing them.

“I don’t have a problem or the problem is not with me”

One of the hardest steps in anyone’s life is to admit they have a problem or need support. To admit we have a problem means we have to take a hard look at our life. It may mean that we have to change. Change can be a difficult process; things would be easier if they just stay the same. But defensiveness and denial ignore the truth and the role your actions play in any given scenario. The consequences to denial can be loss of relationships, and having areas in life that never improve or never receiving access to a person that can assist you in growth.

You see the doctor for medical concerns, an advisor for your finances, a lawyer for legal concerns. A counselor or therapist can offer you guidance through some of life’s most difficult, complicated and painful circumstances. Receiving counsel is a gift, and without it we risk going through life lost, frustrated, or unsatisfied. Don’t ignore the warning signs and schedule with a licensed professional near you to address your concerns.

StarTribune on Birch Counseling Walk-In Clinic

WEST METRO 512664872

Hopkins mental health clinic offers same day and walk-in therapy

Birch Counseling aims to reach patients who are in the midst of emotional unrest.

By Katy Read Star Tribune

JULY 12, 2019 — 8:08PM

Maybe a spouse walked out on them, they lost their job, they found drugs in their kid’s bedroom — or all of the above. People in crises over life events often want to discuss them with a mental health counselor right away, but many therapists and clinics are booked days or weeks out.

Birch Counseling walk-in clinic in Hopkins opened in May to provide same-day counseling. Clients can call for an appointment, request one on the clinic’s website or just show up. It’s designed to help people cope with emotional turmoil when they’re experiencing it.

“The need is there,” said counselor Christa Surerus, founder of Birch Counseling, which also operates traditional clinics in Hopkins and Golden Valley. “People call in and say, ‘I need to be seen; I can’t wait three weeks — I can’t wait.’ ”

“Anyone can have a crisis,” said James Mallon, a licensed mental health counselor at Birch who is also Surerus’ husband.

So far the clinic’s four counselors have seen at least 100 walk-in clients. More than half were first-timers to therapy.

Surerus sees Birch as the equivalent of an urgent care clinic but for mental health issues.

Although most walk-in clinics see clients with problems of varying severity, including people posing immediate physical danger to themselves or others, Birch focuses primarily on the milder end of the continuum.

Its clients often face the sorts of personal crises that many people experience at some point in their lives, such as job loss, major illness, marital and family problems, and addiction.

A few other mental health clinics in the metro area also can accommodate walk-in patients, who may have to wait for a cancellation or no-show to create an opening later that day.

“We have walk-and-wait at all of our sites, and we have a mobile team that can go out and fill in the gaps if in fact there are people in the lobby at the end of the day,” said Jill Wiedemann-West, CEO of People Incorporated Mental Health Services, which offers four outpatient clinics in Minneapolis, St. Paul and Coon Rapids. “We kind of build all of that in so we’re pretty assured that it would be very, very rare that someone would come in and not talk to [a therapist].”

The more places that offer immediate services the better, said Jin Lee Palen, executive director of the Minnesota Association of Community Mental Health Programs.

“Access is an issue everywhere, so the more places we can find for people to get services when they need them, the better,” she said. “We do need to see more of that, making it easy. We’ve been pushing for urgent cares to take mental health clients for many years.”

Even seemingly ordinary problems can have serious consequences. Since 1999, national suicide rates have increased by 33%, to 14 per 100,000 people. In Minnesota, the increase has been more dramatic, with rates over that same period soaring by 53%, from 9 per 100,000 people to 13.8 per 100,000, according to the state Department of Health.

Theories for the rise in suicide rates range from stress due to current politics to despair over climate change to peer pressure on social media, Surerus said.

More than half the people who die by suicide have no previously diagnosed mental health issues. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, relationship problems are a factor in more than 40% of suicides.

“A guy in crisis last week couldn’t get into his regular therapist for a week and a half,” Mallon said. “He left here with his anxiety lower. He felt heard out.”

Katy Read is a reporter covering Carver County and western Hennepin County. She has also covered aging, workplace issues and other topics for the Star Tribune. She was previously a reporter at the Times-Picayune in New Orleans, La., and the Duluth News-Tribune.

katy.read@startribune.com 612-673-4583

Anxiety and Need for Control

If you experience a high level of anxiety in your weekly schedule, then you probably identify with the desire to control something in your life related to the anxiety. Controlling behavior usually takes place to try to prevent a bad or terrible outcome from happening. Some examples of this controlling behavior are:

• Refusing to delegate work-related tasks to others.

• Attempting to control how your spouse or partner spends their time away from you.

• Spending excessive time cleaning or washing to prevent illness.

• Frequent checking patterns, which could apply to everything from checking bank account to locks or appliances multiple times a day.

• Reassurance-seeking behaviors that may include validating that spouse/partner will not leave you to frequently asking a professor what is going be on the exam.

• Refusal to let children participate in routine activities with peers or frequent arguing with child’s teacher/coach about child’s outcome.

Other forms of controlling behavior are more subtle, but still used to either prevent a fear from occurring or to predict the future:

• Avoidance of situations in which there is a small likelihood of the feared event occurring.

• Excessive online researching about illness or finances (google is your best friend).

• Speaking in overly cautious words or not sharing true opinions.

• Needing to sit in places, in which there would be a quick escape from the situation.

• Spending too much time thinking of the perfect topic to write or excessive re-writing rough drafts of a paper.

Maybe the control gives you a desired outcome or temporary peace of mind the feared event did not occur. But let’s be real, does the excessive time and energy spent into attempting to control the worry or fear ever take away the anxiety in the long haul? There tends to be a nasty cycle of a situation with potential of a bad outcome or fear which produces anxiety, followed by controlling or safety-seeking behavior to reduce the anxiety. The problem is there will always be another situation in which the bad outcome or fear could occur again, followed by the need to spend additional time and energy preventing this fear from occurring!

So what is the solution? Do the opposite action of what fear is telling you to do! Will there be risk of the fear occurring? Yes! But uncertainty and risk is a part of life. Leaving your home every day involves a small level of risk. Our future plans could be altered in an instant, even with all the controlling and safety seeking behavior. By getting more comfortable with uncertainty in life, you will see the anxiety and worries reduced. A majority of our worries tend not to happen, or we underestimate our ability to cope with them.

Working with a trained professional is the best way of coming up with a concrete game plan to face the fears or address the worry. A counselor can guide you in how to best approach the anxiety in your life and address any concerns specific to your situation.

Sun Sailor introduces Birch Counseling Walk-In

Birch Counseling in Hopkins offers same-day, walk-in mental health counseling

By Kristen Miller kristen.miller@ecm-inc.com

To address the lack of immediate mental health counseling options in the Twin Cities, Birch Counseling has opened a dedicated same-day, walk-in clinic at 904 Mainstreet in downtown Hopkins.

“What we are offering is akin to urgent care for mental health,” explains Christa Surerus, licensed professional clinical counselor.

She and her husband, James Mallon, also a licensed mental health counselor, operate three other Birch Counseling locations with an office in Golden Valley and two offices in Minneapolis.

However, they wanted to provide greater flexibility and accessibility for those in crisis.

“Currently, it takes about three weeks to get into Golden Valley, and that’s very common with just about any counseling service,” Surerus said

“Up until now, if someone was experiencing a mental health crisis, that person would have to choose between scheduling an appointment for a later date, which could be days or weeks away, or going to an emergency room, which is really meant for life-threatening situations,” she said. “We are filling in that gap for when those unexpected issues in life become too much.”

They have seen that the demand for care, having witnessed people walking through closed-door sessions in order to be seen, and decided they needed to do something about it by making mental health care more readily available.

With 12 offices, people can walk in and expect to be seen that same day.

“There are so many people who are dealing with these sorts of traumatic situations that can come up very suddenly,” Mallon said. “We are here for them today. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Today.”

The most important reason they opened the walk-in clinic is to help combat the rising number of suicides in Minnesota.

“As you may know, suicide rates around the country have been going up, and Minnesota is one of the top gainers,” Surerus said.

According to the Minnesota Department of Health, the suicide rate has increased 53 percent from 1999-2017.

Surerus also noted that 85% of males who die by suicide have no known mental health condition, “which means they never sought professional help,” she said. Completed suicides by females are also on the rise, she said.

“It is our goal to offer a safe place for individuals, families and couples to get the support they need by helping them calm and stabilize sufficiently to problem solve life challenges,” she said.

Birch Counseling also has the capacity to grow and expand its hours.

Currently, they are open 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Friday, with hopes of offering evening and weekends hours in the fall.

They accept all major insurance, medical assistance and out-of-pocket payments.

To make an appointment, call 952-562-4116 or visit birchcounselingwalk-in.com.

Follow the Sun Sailor on Facebook at facebook.com/mnsunsailor.

Twinc Cities Business Magazine features Birch Counseling Walk-In Clinic

HEALTH CARE

Birch Counseling Launches Walk-in Mental Health Clinic

Owner Christa Surerus sees it as ‘urgent care’ for mental health crises.

MAY 23, 2019

DAN NIEPOW

Birch Counseling last week opened a walk-in mental health clinic in Hopkins. 

The clinic is intended to address mental health issues on a quicker time frame than traditional therapy. 

Before the clinic’s opening, Birch Counseling providers had been struggling to meet increasing demands for services, says owner Christa Surerus.

At the company’s Golden Valley clinic, for instance, every provider has a three-week waitlist.

“It is quite frankly difficult to keep up with demand,” Surerus says. “We noticed there’s a huge gap in our community between what people need and what’s actually offered as far as mental health services.”

The clinic is aimed at serving folks “whose worlds have fallen apart,” she says. That could include people who have just lost a job or received a dire health diagnosis.

Surerus sees her clinic as a sort of “urgent care” for mental health crises. She believes it's the only clinic of its kind in Minnesota.

The clinic accepts all forms of major insurance, though it doesn’t yet have a contract with Medicare, according to Surerus.

For those who want to pay for services out of pocket, the cost is $120 to see a licensed provider. For $95, clients also can opt to see providers working toward licensure.

Mental health issues and suicidal behavior often go hand-in-hand, according to Surerus. What’s more, the uptick in demand for more services locally is emblematic of larger issues brewing across the nation. According to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 45,000 Americans died by suicide in 2016, marking a 25 percent increase since 1999.

Minneapolis and St. Paul Business Journal features Birch Counseling Walk-In

By Alex Wittenberg  – Staff writer, Minneapolis / St. Paul Business Journal 

May 29, 2019, 2:58pm EDT

People in the Twin Cities suffering from a mental health-related condition have a new option for treatment. 

Birch Counseling on May 15 opened a walk-in mental health clinic in Hopkins that provides same-day counseling services to patients. The service, the first of its kind in the Twin Cities, according to Birch, hopes to make mental health treatment more accessible. 

"Our clinic in Golden Valley has a three-week waitlist, and that's just not good enough," said Christa Surerus, founder and owner of Birch Counseling. "People are calling in with very urgent needs, and they can't wait even a week to be seen. We're trying to close that gap."

The clinic, located at 904 Main St. in Hopkins, has four dedicated counselors on staff. As demand for the service increases, Birch plans to have as many as 40 staff members working extended hours at the clinic, Surerus said. 

Surerus expects the clinic to treat people who feel overwhelmed by grief, sadness or worry. One recent patient was a woman who was struggling going about daily life after the death of her partner. Other patients, for example, may feel unsettled over job and housing precarity or a serious health diagnosis they have to share with their family, Surerus said. 

"We wanted to make it accessible in the terminology we use," she said. "Very rarely do people wake up at 3 a.m. and say, 'Oh my god, I need to see someone, I have anxiety.' Most of they time they don't know they have anxiety. They just know they're worried." 

Birch works with most major insurance plans. The out-of-pocket cost for an appointment with a licensed counselor at the new clinic is $120.

Being Present

One of the keys to overcoming depression and anxiety in our lives is the ability to be in the present moment. You might be thinking, “That won’t change my past” or “That won’t solve my problems.” Yes that is correct because we cannot relive our past and most of our worrying does nothing to solve the problem. Ruminating about mistakes in the past only brings us down, and worrying takes away the peace of the present moment. 

Maybe you tried a mindfulness exercise which helps for 15 minutes be in the present moment, but your problem is waiting to greet you when you arrive home. How do we escape the inner critic or fears that seem to follow us around daily? Here are some practical strategies to stay in the present moment. 

1. Take a worry break: Take a set period and think about all your worries. Next, write down all the actions you can do to reduce or manage the worries. Put these actions into a calendar. Now write down the the worries you have no control over. Address the worries one day or moment at a time. You now have an action plan to address your worries. When you are not in a worry break or there is nothing else you can do to manage your worry at the time do not continue ruminating about the future! 

2. Resolve any troubles from the past: What is lingering from the past thats bothering you today? Whether it is a trauma, financial mistake, or opportunity you missed out on, ask yourself “what is a step I can take today to resolve this?” Rather then ruminate on the past, it’s time to take that action step forward. This might mean involve reaching out to a therapist or counselor for the support. Like the worry break, when you are not taking action towards resolving the past it’s time to stay focused on the life in front of you.

3. Take one task at a time: When you have 20 things that need to get done, life can get overwhelming. The problem is we cannot do 20 things at a time and we don’t perform at one task when thinking of the other 19. Instead put the priority of the things that must be done today and concentrate at the task at hand. The other tasks will be taken care of when the time comes.

4. Stop the procrastination and avoidance: Some things in life will always be unpleasant and the quicker we take care of them, the quicker we can get back to the things we enjoy. Rather that dwell upon errands all day, take of them sooner and reward yourself. This also applies to specific fears. It may be time to confront the fear rather then avoid. Avoiding the uncomfortable conversation you need to have only keeps the problem lingering around or make it worse. 

5. Have meaningful or enjoyable activities daily: Speaking of rewarding yourself, the whole purpose of this article is to get back to enjoying life. In order for that to happen you need to be living the life you were born to live! Spend daily time present in those activities that bring value or meaning to your life. This is also a challenge to try new activities or meet new people that will bring joy to your life. 

Again, working with a trained therapist or counselor is a great way to practice these strategies and take in individual circumstances. The past is behind us and the future is never guaranteed so lets focus our time and energy on the present moment. 

Social Media and Teen Mental Health

A study recently published in JAMA suggests social media use among teenagers is significantly correlated with increasing suicide rates. The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services suggests 71% of pre-teens, teenagers and young adults use more than one social media site. The most popular social media platforms are Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube. Day-to-day usage can include messaging, video chatting, picture posting, blogging, article sharing, among many others. Essentially, young people today are connecting with each other online far more than face-to-face.

Teens spend dozens of hours a week scrolling, posting, and reading, and increasingly data confirm this comes at a high cost. Social media makes it easy to airbrush experiences and life events, leaving out details about the mundane, the struggles and difficulties. Young people are particularly vulnerable to these distortions as their sense of self is still in the process of developing, and peers are highly influential. “Who am I compared to others” is one of their top concerns, and when you compare yourself to airbrushed profiles, you tend to come up short. Increasing numbers of young people report feeling inadequate, jealous, anxious and depressed.

If you think social media may be affecting your mental health or the health of someone you know, consider these tips:

• Turn off your notifications for at least a few hours each day (which you can gradually increase); put your phone in “Airplane” mode or “Do Not Disturb”.

• Delete apps that contribute to unhealthy body image or other feelings of inadequacy. Add apps that help you feel better about yourself or inspire you to engage in healthy behaviors. Meditation apps can be a better use of your time, for example: Calm, Insight Timer, and Headspace. 

• Use an alarm clock instead of relying on your phone as an alarm to prevent you from using your phone the minute you wake up.

• Take a day off from social media to focus on other things. Sunday is a good suggestion since it is a day when you probably aren’t in school or at work.

• Consider putting your phone in grayscale. This makes your phone less enticing to look at. With the colorful apps and notifications changed to gray, they may be easier to ignore.

• Set boundaries or only certain times when you can check your notifications.

• Start a habit of placing your phone near the door when you come home — doing it with a friend, partner, or family member can help you stay motivated and accountable! Make a plan with a group of friends to spend more time hanging out in person and less time interacting via social media.

• If you are a parent wanting to learn more about how to limit your child or teenager’s social media use, check out these additional tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Expectations and Emotions: The Wedding Stressors

For better or worse, a wedding brings people from all parts of your life together. You’ll have different personalities, different relationships and histories, and societal, familial, or cultural expectations of what and how the whole event is supposed to happen all swirling together for one day.

Sometimes, people get caught up in themselves and their feelings that have or sometimes have nothing to do with the couple. Emotions can rise to the surface that are brought on by memories — something you probably had no idea existed until they surfaced. This was just supposed to be a celebration, right?

So with all of these potential problems, it’s amazing to think that most weddings go off without a hitch.

So what’s the secret to sanity during the planning and day of celebration? Managing expectations, yours and — to the best of your ability — everyone else.

Know that you will encounter problem/s you cannot control — not logistical problems, but someone will have a difficult time emotionally and it will come out directly or sideways, like caring too much about one tiny aspect of the wedding.

Know that everyone has different expectations — This is the cause of most problems in weddings. Managing expectations requires knowing what you want as a couple and how to work with your family-to-be, too.

Communication, communication, communication —  The more you talk, the more you know.  The more you know, the more you can help avoid any foreseeable problems.

Laugh it off and just have fun — At the end of the day, it’s about the couple getting married. You chose to have a cultural event with a celebration instead of a simple and short legal ceremony. We have parties to celebrate. So have fun.  Something will go wrong or someone will not be happy about something, so practice a good sense of humor and do the best you can.

Technology: enhancing or hurting relationships?

The growth in our use of technology has been exponential.  It is easy to see how our increased use of devices has eliminated the separation, or at least blurred the lines, between our work, home and social lives.  The interconnection of these different components of our existence make it more and more difficult to be present in the moment.  Our ability to send a work email while cooking dinner at home, checking social media while at work, and texting our significant other during lunch with a friend, contribute to the state of absent presence.  These common daily behaviors reflect the pervasiveness of technology, particularly the use of smartphones.  

Since technology offers instant gratification, it can be difficult to resist the urge to be online at all times.  Thus, the practice of phone-checking has become as natural and involuntary as yawning.  In 2016, Apple found that its device users unlocked their phones 80 times every day.  If we consider what we do at any given hour throughout the day, does phone-checking enhance or detract from what, or whom, is in front of us?

Technology has proven to expand our social lives, yet could it be constricting our private one? When was the last time you shared a meal with someone without your phone being within reach?  Brandon McDaniel, a researcher in human development coined the term “technoference” as “everyday intrusions or interruption in couple interactions..that occur due to technology”.  Since it has become so common for people to engage in phone-checking while out to dinner, the opportunity to connect face-to-face is limited and authentic engagement is fragmented.  Thus the art of breaking bread together lacks fulfillment when a device is present.

Dr. John Gottman, famous marriage researcher states, “While communication issues have many causes, a common culprit in today’s world is the seemingly endless number of notifications from our digital devices. They have become a distraction from the real connection right in front of us”.  Furthermore, it is in unstructured moments that partners, in particular, hold the potential for spontaneous conversation and laughter that help to build closeness and a sense of connection.

The benefits of authentic connection are endless, including the release of hormones which contribute to a boost in mood and can increase overall happiness.  Does knowing that our constant phone checking compromise our relationships, and keep us from experiencing a natural mood boost enough to change our behavior?  If not, consider setting limits for yourself and your significant other through a tech agreement that includes:

-expectations for use; an agreement that both partners will not text, check email, or update their social profiles during specific times of the day or particular events, such as date night, mealtime, or when either of you needs to talk.

-what kind of technological contact does each person consider appropriate?

-when is it OK to be anonymous online?

-rules for technology use in the car

-how much of your relationship are you OK with being shared on line?

Making such adjustments to behavior require effort and self-control, so remember to slow down, take time to reflect and support yourself and others in making these important decisions to be more connected …without the use of technology.

Breaking the Silence on Sexual Assault

Birch Counseling would like to thank Governor Mark Dayton and the State of Minnesota for proclaiming “Break the Silence” Day on August 16. 

In the line of our work, we have witnessed too many stories of sexual violence, and are struck by the deep hurt that haunts those who have experienced it.  Survivors of sexual violence too often remain silent.  It takes tremendous courage for those who experienced this form of violence to share their pain with others. Speaking up, sharing with others, connecting with support paves the way for healing.

Common responses from others who’ve heard stories of survivors include “what were you wearing,” “why didn’t you...”, “you should have known…” This compounds the self-blame, which already tortures those who have experienced this form of violence. Confronted with judgment, survivors remain silent. 

Breaking the Silence helps fight the stigma. The event allows survivors to speak out and feel acceptance from a community that offers nothing but hope and support. 

We’re so pleased that Sarah Super found the courage to speak out.  She has formed Break the Silence, and has consistently advocated on behalf of survivors so they may find their voice. 

We are grateful to live in Minnesota.  Our State continues to offer strong support for those who struggle with mental health problems that too often stem from experiencing violence. 

Brian Borre on KARE-TV on Hostile Workplaces

STUDY: ONE-FIFTH OF AMERICANS FIND WORKPLACE HOSTILE

Nearly one in five workers say they face a hostile or threatening environment at work, according to a recent study.

Author: Zach Lashway Published:08/14/17

GOLDEN VALLEY, Minn. - Nearly one in five workers say they face a hostile or threatening environment at work, according to a recent study.

Rand Corp., Harvard Medical School and UCLA surveyed 3,066 U.S. workers. The study found:

A "disturbingly high" number of workers say they face a hostile or threatening environment at work, which can include sexual harassment and bullying. Workers who have to face customers endure a disproportionate share of abuse.

• Nearly 55% say they face "unpleasant and potentially hazardous" conditions.
• Nearly three quarters say they spend at least a fourth of their time on the job in "intense or repetitive physical" labor.
• Only 38% say their jobs offer good prospects for advancement. And the older they get, the less optimistic they become.

About half say they work on their own time to meet the demands of their job. In many cases, less-educated workers endure tougher working conditions.

Brian Borre, a licensed counselor at Birch Counseling in Golden Valley, said he is not surprised by these numbers.

“Work-related stress and work hostility is a huge factor in why a lot of people come into counseling,” Borre said.

Borre recommends assertive communication.

“The onus is very much on both parties, however, I think the employee – the individually will benefit greatly by utilizing assertive communication and having these strong and clear boundaries," he said.

Borre said assertive communication is one of the main tools an employee has at their disposal.

"(When) they’re experiencing hostility, sexual harassment and any other adverse environments, utilizing assertive communication allows the individual to not only establish clear and healthy boundaries, but hopefully maintain them and at least have a perimeter in which individuals understand when someone else is violating that boundary," he said.

Which reminds us, we may have more control over stress than what we realize.