Introducing: Jessica Ritchey, MA, LMFT

We are so happy to welcome Jessica to our Team! Jessica is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with a Master's degree from Saint Mary's University of Minnesota. She has 10+ years of experience working in the mental health field and is excited to continue this work with Birch. She enjoys working with individuals ages 16+ and has a special interest working with couples.

Jessica's areas of specialty include mood-spectrum disorders, trauma, relationship issues, coping with mental illness at home, parenting interventions, as well as grief and loss. Her therapeutic roots are with Gottman Theory and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) and Brainspotting for trauma treatment, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) for emotion dysregulation challenges, however she tends to be integrative and brings in tools from Internal Family Systems (IFS), as well as mindfulness-based and strengths-based interventions as appropriate with clients.

Outside of the office Jessica enjoys spending time with friends and family, going for walks and hikes with the dog, working on jigsaw puzzles, trying new foods/restaurants, visiting the ocean, and tending to her garden.

Welcoming in January: Student Therapist Jayme Hanson

Growing up Jayme’s parents struggled with mood disorders, depression, and substance abuse. Exposure to their wellness journeys embedded a deep interest in the workings of the human brain and nervous system along with the healing potential of therapy.

Jayme is a connector at her core, she aims to develop deep trust with her clients as they journey through the process of discovery and healing. She is passionate about adults struggling with relationship concerns, anxiety/depression, chronic illness, parenting, work stress, and racial trauma.

Before psychotherapy, Jayme held executive leadership roles within healthcare companies and co-founded a successful medical technology startup that improved treatment access for people living with chronic illnesses. She received her Bachelor's in Psychology from DePaul University and is in the process of obtaining a Master's in Clinical Mental Health from Northwestern University. Upon completion of her clinical rotation and graduation, she will pursue credentials as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPCC).

Welcoming January 15: Student Therapist Kaelyn Dagon

Kaelyn currently is a graduate student at the Saint Mary’s Master’s Counseling and Psychological Services Program. She is working toward becoming a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC). Kaelyn received her bachelors degree in psychology from the University of Wisconsin Oshkosh. She is passionate about working with emerging adults, older adolescents, and professionals in education with a focus on life changes, stress, occupation burnout, goal-setting, performance enhancement, anxiety, and depression. She enjoys working with a diverse population of individuals from different backgrounds and cultures and believes in incorporating one's unique experience into their healing journey. She looks forward to building a safe and welcoming environment where clients are able to build skills in order to achieve their goals.  Kaelyn incorporate strategies and concepts from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, mindfulness based and strength based practices, Narrative Therapy, art therapy, and strengths-based approaches.

In her free time, Kaelyn I enjoys working out, listening to music, watching sports, painting and spending time with family and friends. 

Welcoming July 10: Kimberly Debeer, MSW, LICSW

Kimberly is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker with a Masters degree in Social Work from the University of Minnesota. She has been practicing outpatient therapy since 2018. Kimberly has experience in both private practice and community based settings. She serves a wide variety of populations and especially enjoys working with adults who are in transitional phases of life. 

Kimberly works with individuals who are struggling with managing life transitions or changes, grief and loss, trauma, maladaptive attachment patterns, chronic illness, anxiety, depression, autism, interpersonal challenges, and self-esteem and self awareness issues. Kimberly utilizes a biopsychosocial approach that draws upon psychoeducation and many different modalities of therapy to develop a therapeutic experience that is designed to meet the goals and needs of each individual. Kimberly uses strategies and concepts from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Narrative Exposure Therapy (NET), Internal Family Systems (IFS), Attachment Repair Modalities, mindfulness based practices, and strengths-based approaches. 

Kimberly is committed to supporting clients as they navigate life challenges and overcome barriers to change. She believes that all people have great capacity for change within themselves, and utilizes a strong therapeutic relationship as a foundation to support clients in fostering self directed growth and change.  Kimberly helps clients to recognize that human development and learning occurs throughout the lifespan and the impact of past experiences on their current presentation. Through a kind and empathic approach Kimberly strives to cultivate a warm and inviting experience for all clients. 

Welcoming in July: Andrew Hubartt, MSW

Andrew (he/him) is a recent graduate with a Master's of Social Work from Indiana University. He is passionate about helping individuals overcome obstacles preventing them from living the lives they envision for themselves and the goals they hope to achieve. He has a background in working with people from diverse backgrounds and with diverse needs. He has experience in helping people experiencing depression, anxiety, stress, negative self-image, grief, substance use, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, veteran's issues, and relationship issues. 

Andrew utilizes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness, and a trauma-informed approach and is familiar with many other perspectives and treatment modalities. Andrew is working toward developing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy as a part of his practice. Andrew also employs a strengths-based and client-centered perspective that puts the client in the driver's seat, empowered to express their thoughts and emotions in a judgment-free space freely.

Andrew is new to Minnesota and is ready to adopt the Twins and Vikings as his new home teams. He looks forward to exploring this great State, making it his new home, and is particularly excited to explore the local food scene.  

Welcoming in April: Carmen Avendano, MA, LMFT

Carmen has fifteen years of experience as a Mental Health Professional, twenty-five years of experience as a cross-cultural trainer and over thirty years of experience as a teacher, including the past ten years as an assistant professor for Counseling Psychology, Health and Human Services, and Marriage & Family Therapy graduate programs at St. Mary’s University of Minnesota.

Carmen is passionate about helping her clients achieve their goals and finding effective ways to deal with life’s challenges. It is her goal to help clients heal, achieve their fullest potential, have mutually supportive relationships and improve their overall well being. Carmen offers client centered care and understands the power of diversity, equity, and inclusion. 

Welcoming in December: Alex Stanger, MA

We are very excited to welcome Alex Stanger! Alex enjoys working with adults, college and graduate students. She believes that a true and authentic relationship is at the core of a positive and helpful experience in therapy. She creates a non-judgmental, safe, warm, relaxed and inviting environment. Alex works from a sex-positive, anti-racist, and LGBTQIA+ affirming lens. She has experience working with clients who present with anxiety, trauma, depression, relationship concerns, self-esteem, identity, life transitions, body image, and other challenges.

 Alex believes that all people have a vast potential and capacity for self-understanding, self-directed growth, and self-healing. Each client has a unique experience that she strives to understand and foster positive, constructive, and conscious choices. Alex helps clients understand how past experiences have shaped and impacted their body, brain, and nervous system reactions. She assists clients develop awareness of learned behaviors that are no longer working for them. Alex incorporates a variety of approaches in her work, including ACT, mindfulness, person-centered, nervous system regulation, REBT, and others. Therapy with Alex is relaxed and includes celebrating the wins of life, humor, and a real human connection.

Alex graduated from Montana State University – Bozeman with a Bachelors degree in Psychology and Sociology. She went on to graduate from St. Thomas University with a Masters degree in Counseling Psychology. Alex is currently pursuing her LPCC. Outside of the office Alex enjoys spending time with her family, friends, her dog Red, her cat Blue, reading, crocheting, cooking, eating, and playing Nintendo.

Announcing Men's Support Group: Swinging from Birches

We are pleased to announce the beginnings of a new support group, which will be facilitated by Birch Counseling provider Brian Rose, MA, LADC. This group is welcoming men who are facing questions about substance use as well as other pertinent life problems. The group will be held on Monday evenings, 5:00 - 6:30pm at our Hopkins location (904 Mainstreet, #200). If you are interested in becoming a member, please contact our front office at (866) 522-2472, ext. 0. They will be happy to schedule a pre-admission meeting with Brian, who will make sure you are a good fit for the group. This men’s group will be limited to a maximum of 8 active members.

Below is Brian Rose’s description of the group:

The pandemic has been tough. It has broken our connection with many sources of support and the routines that anchored us. This group’s purpose is to connect with other men for support to help answer questions about issues that have arisen in our lives, such as questions about substance use, interpersonal relationships, as well as anxiety and depression. While such issues may have predated the pandemic , the isolation of the lock-downs has made these concerns more visible and pressing for many.

Some of the topics discussed in this group will cover substance use, improving communication in our relationships, repairing connections with friends and family, coping with symptoms of anxiety and depression, and the facing lonliness that has increased with isolation. This will be a process group with a strong focus on learning to connect and trust others.

The group will meet Mondays, from 5:00pm to 6:30pm, in person. 

Birches

Poem by Robert frost

When I see birches bend to left and right
Across the lines of straighter darker trees,
I like to think some boy's been swinging them.
But swinging doesn't bend them down to stay
As ice-storms do. Often you must have seen them
Loaded with ice a sunny winter morning
After a rain. They click upon themselves
As the breeze rises, and turn many-colored
As the stir cracks and crazes their enamel
Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed crystal shells
Shattering and avalanching on the snow-crust —
Such heaps of broken glass to sweep away
You'd think the inner dome of heaven had fallen.
They are dragged to the withered bracken by the load,
And they seem not to break; though once they are bowed
So low for long, they never right themselves:
You may see their trunks arching in the woods
Years afterwards, trailing their leaves on the ground
Like girls on hands and knees that throw their hair
Before them over their heads to dry in the sun.
But I was going to say when Truth broke in
With all her matter-of-fact about the ice-storm
I should prefer to have some boy bend them
As he went out and in to fetch the cows —
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball,
Whose only play was what he found himself,
Summer or winter, and could play alone.
One by one he subdued his father's trees
By riding them down over and over again
Until he took the stiffness out of them,
And not one but hung limp, not one was left
For him to conquer. He learned all there was
To learn about not launching out too soon
And so not carrying the tree away
Clear to the ground. He always kept his poise
To the top branches, climbing carefully
With the same pains you use to fill a cup
Up to the brim, and even above the brim.
Then he flung outward, feet first, with a swish,
Kicking his way down through the air to the ground.
So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having my lashed opened.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

Welcoming in April: Katie O'Dowd, MA

Katie O’Dowd (she/her)

Katie enjoys working with adults, older adolescent populations, and has a particular affinity for clients that are emerging adults (“20-something”s), college students, and graduate students. She strives to create a therapy space that is non-judgemental, culturally responsive, anti-oppressive, anti-racist, LGBTQIA+ affirming, and sex positive. Katie has experience working with clients in addressing relationship challenges, family concerns, life transitions, identity exploration, academic and career concerns, perfectionism, body image/body acceptance, anxiety, depression, trauma, existential concerns, and self-compassion. 

Katie believes that everyone comes to therapy with different hopes for and expectations of the experience, and wants to work with her clients to create an experience that feels right for them. Katie uses a person-centered, interpersonal, and psychodynamic approach to therapy, while remaining adaptive to the unique needs of each individual client. She finds it important to examine and gain insight into the impact that relationships, past experiences, societal expectations, and other factors have had on us, so that we are better able to work through present day concerns. She draws from multiple different approaches to help you gain insight into your experiences, see your strengths, build your skills, support you in the tough moments, celebrate your wins, and hopefully laugh a bit along the way too.  

Katie graduated from the University of Minnesota - Twin Cities with her Bachelors degree in Psychology and Masters degree in Counseling and Student Personnel Psychology. She is currently pursuing licensure as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Outside of the office, she enjoys spending time with family and friends, exploring Minneapolis, traveling, cooking, hiking, playing cribbage, learning how to crochet, and tending to her many house plants.

Welcoming in September: Alison Campbell, MSW, LICSW

We are very excited to announce the newest addition to the Birch Counseling Team: Alison Campbell, MSW, LICSW!

Alison enjoys working with both adult individuals and couples across the lifespan from all walks of life. She uses a holistic, mind-body perspective and recognizes that a wide range of past and present influences effect both our individual well being and our relationships. With a collaborative, kind and practical approach, Alison helps people explore patterns that may not be serving them and offers guidance and tools for better coping, balance and resiliency so that they can feel more empowered to make the changes they desire. She uses a strengths based, person centered approach with evidence based practices informed by a blend of frameworks. She has had extensive training in mindfulness and somatic practices.

Alison has experience addressing depression, anxiety, stress reduction, trauma, health issues, substance use, relationship difficulties, grief and loss and personal growth. She has lived on both coasts of the US and has worked with people in a variety of settings including low-come housing, correctional facilities, long term care facilities and hospice and community counseling centers. She received her Master’s degree in Social Work from Washington University in St Louis.

Alison has two children, enjoys good books, good cooking, meeting new people and being in the outdoors. She is also a certified yoga teacher.

Going Out On A Limb With Brian Borre, MA, LMFT, LADC

In another life, Brian would have been any college student’s dream Philosophy or Creative Writing professor because he makes you think without feeling judged. He doesn’t pepper you with questions, or reflexively challenge your answers for the sake of being contrarian. And while you can tell that there is always something percolating just beneath the surface, it never feels like he’s holding something back from you, creating a power imbalance, or checked-out in the moment. He’s just effortlessly curious, compassionate, and clear about his boundaries: he won’t work harder than you do. 

 Perhaps part of what makes Brian a refreshing therapist to Minnesotans is that he’s not from here; being a Chicago native, he can observe the “Minnesota Nice” practices of passivity, but he’s not limited to them. He’s not afraid to sit in silence, push on a button, or meet clients where they are at--it all just depends on what the client’s needs are. While he identifies as more of a “generalist,” or someone who sees a variety of client populations, Brian likes to work with blended families, young professionals, and couples because of his own personal experiences. When it’s appropriate, Brian has found it can really help to have someone who has been through some of those experiences help validate your feelings, normalize what’s happening, and help figure out what comes next. 

 One thing you might find surprising about Brian: His first professional venture had nothing to do with therapy! While he always felt a calling towards private practice, and his undergraduate major focused on Psychology and Sociology, Brian took a several-year detour into the Culinary Arts! Brian worked in professional kitchens near Yosemite National Park and “really loved it.” What’s really surprising about this tidbit isn’t even the professional pivot, it’s the fact that he identifies as a “professional chef who now doesn’t cook.” He’s clear he’s diplomatic about shared household labor, but in terms of creative expression and self-care, he’d rather spend his time watching or reading Science Fiction, having adventures with his kids, or playing guitar. 

On coping with the pandemic: Brian admits that his coping with the pandemic has shifted as the world starts to open up again. Early on, his coping came from fitness, work, reading, and nature; things that would help him to ground or find some semblance of normalcy. Now that we’re able to explore more, he finds himself coping with the uncertainty by noticing the “absolute, purest joy” that his children are experiencing. Even if vicarious, the “wonder they have and excitement for everything they’re doing, it’s like watching them discover it all for the first time,” which helps him hold on to gratitude, wonder, and simplicity, even in the most uncertain or ambiguous of times. 

 Walk-Up Song: Brian’s ideal walk-up song, “would be something like a mash-up between The Sex Pistols and Beethoven,” which we think is pretty indicative of his style: a balance between classical approaches and total anarchy. Since that song doesn’t technically exist yet (and Brian’s musical skills are limited to the guitar), the closest thing he could think of was London Punkharmonic Orchestra’s cover of “Pretty Vacant” (originally by The Sex Pistols). While we were skeptical at first, we might be able to add this to our waiting room playlist…

Professional pet-peeve: Brian is “other professionals who stop learning or continue to learn in a singular way.” From Brian’s perspective, having an interest as a clinician in anything ranging from music to Mythology, Stoicism to sports, nature or technology, literally whatever you choose to learn about, can inform how we experience our lives and others. Brian believes that a narrow focus or general lack of curiosity can contribute to the greatest of professional offenses: shaming and invalidating clients.

Favorite tool in the Therapist Toolbox: By this point in the blog, you’re probably not going to be surprised that Brian is anti-assessment and scales. To be fair, he does believe in referring to psych testing, understands the value of tracking relevant data, and ongoing anecdotal assessments. He just doesn’t believe in universal measures of unique situations, or snapshots in time meant to reflect something grander. In his experience, some of the most standardized tools can bring about shame for clients because they “didn’t make progress fast enough, or felt like they had a better week but their depression assessment is high today,” and it can cause undue harm. Instead, Brian often uses an ecological approach to help clients reflect on what is going on in their life at any given moment, on a bunch of different levels. If you’ve never had one, it can sort of look like a target with each ring reflecting a different domain of our life. This way, “we’re checking the health of their system as it is today--not just focusing on all the bad at work or home, it’s bringing it back into a larger context and perspective so there’s more balance and insight.” 

 If you have any questions about Brian, his approach, or think he might be a fit for you, please reach out to us at bizoffice@birchcounseling.com or get in touch through the “Contact Us” tab on our website. Otherwise, stay tuned for our next blog post where we put the spotlight on how Brian’s “Meta” thinking translates into Metacognitive Therapy with clients!

Spotlight with Pam Hyatt: Self-of-the-Therapist

If you’ve ever been in a position where you are trying to get to know someone, such as a kid or someone shy, it’s not an unusual tactic to try to open up a little to them. The hope is, of course, that by making a disclosure about ourselves, that they will reciprocate in kind. Even though it’s used as a common intervention between teachers and students, spiritual leaders and practitioners, and in various professional settings, it’s often considered taboo for a therapist to disclose about themself during a client session. After all, no client comes to therapy to listen to their therapist talk about themself!

Self-of-the-Therapist isn’t used by therapists to update you about their life, confide in you about the drama in their relationship, or process their past. It’s when a highly skilled therapist is able to use the work they have done on themself, insight they have gained or skills they have learned along the way, and share it intentionally with a client to create a teachable moment, joining opportunity, or as a measure of sorts to assess a client’s morals, values, and idiosyncrasies. If done correctly, a shared understanding of the world starts to develop from the shared--and contrasting--experiences of the world. From there, a certain degree of comradery starts to develop between the client and the therapist, a feeling like, “okay, we’re really in this together... we get and want to talk about this thing that not everyone else does or can!”

The problem is: it’s considered taboo or unusual for a reason. For it to be an effective technique, the therapist doing it has to be well, having done (and continuing to do) the work on themself. They would also have to be able to be their most authentic and vulnerable self, present and dynamic, ethical and informative, all while tailoring the right disclosure, at the right moment, for the right person. Plus, they have to do it without having a formal class on it in graduate school! In short, it’s taboo because not all therapists do it well, and when done poorly, it can cause irreparable harm to the therapeutic relationship and/or the client.

Why does Pam like it? “It helps clients open up,” she says, and she believes it builds a trust that she “might be able to get it in a way that their past therapists, friends, or families don’t.” She uses her experiences as a mom, as a professional across different industries, experiences in different times or relationships, whatever might prove insightful, curious, or normalizing in the moment to the client. “It’s always about building that different understanding, that sort of magic moment when you both just get it, that can make this work so rewarding” to Pam.

It also helps that Pam is good at it. Whether in client sessions or consultation with other therapists, Pam is a wealth of knowledge and insight, warmth and grounding, as well as compassion and empathy, which translate whether you're in the office with her or having a virtual meeting. Her skill comes from her experiences doing her own work, and having had a therapist who “could talk about himself for a half hour without even noticing.” She wants to ensure clients never have to experience that, and welcomes the feedback if you find her “a little chatty sometimes.”

If you think Pam or another Self-of-the-Therapist provider at our practice might be a fit for you, or have any additional questions about this approach, please feel free to reach out to our team at BizOffice@birchcounseling.com. We look forward to introducing you to another team member in June!

References:

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/160940691201100504

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/202001/how-thera pists-use-the-self-during-therapy https://www.wyomingcounselingassociation.com/wp-content/uploads/Lum-200 2-Self-Of-Therapist-Satir.pdf

Going Out On A Limb With: Pam Hyatt, MSW, LICSW

To try and capture Pam is analogous to trying to capture all the elements of nature at once: she’s grounded like the earth, occasionally enjoys playing with fire (when it’s appropriate and relatively safe), understands the inherent duality of water’s gentle and abrasive force, and is always running a little late, which is why she can run like the wind! These elements, and being able to hold space for the different parts of people, contribute to her being an excellent clinician. Her dynamic nature allows her to access different parts of herself and her experiences to relate, inform, and improve a client’s experience of their situation.

She’s able to provide various elements to her clients because she knows what it is to have to go through the darkness and find the light again (and again...). At fifty, around the same time she went to graduate school for counseling, she decided she wanted to become the kind of wise woman she had always wanted to have in her own life. Today, she still aspires to provide others with genuine acceptance, understanding, and unconditional support with a hearty dose of “tough love if needed” that so few people get to have in their life. Whether she’s giving away hugs at the Pride Festival, with her family, or working with clients, she feels “grateful” for the opportunity to “sit in all the ick” with people who “genuinely want better for themselves and just don’t have the right support to get there.”

One thing you might find surprising about Pam: How many single mothers go to graduate school AND run for state leadership? That’s just who Pam is. She has a passion for Organizational Leadership, and armed with a Master’s Degree in the subject from St. Kate’s, she decided she wanted to be the change she wanted to see in the world. While she didn’t win that particular election, she continues to be an advocate for the queer, marginalized, and oppressed populations in the Twin Cities area.

On coping with the pandemic: Pam has always loved the arts and believes she was “blessed with the curse of being artistic.” She started with dance throughout her youth before finding theater in High School and college, which eventually evolved into a seven-year stint in the Chicago Improv scene. In the pandemic, finding a space for art and expression has become even more important to Pam. While she admits her primary coping has relied heavily upon time with her husband, quality calls with her granddaughters, and cooking, she attributes her current sanity to singing anything from showtunes to pop songs, streaming plays and movies, writing, and doing things that help her stay connected to the creative world.

Walk-Up Song: Based on the last paragraph, it might come as no surprise that Pam’s anthem is borrowed from Broadway. Written by Dolly Parton and performed with the ensemble cast of 9 to 5 (including all-stars like Allison Janney and Megan Hilty), “Change It” has a quirky melody and a simple call to action: “Somethin’ gotcha down? Gotcha chained and bound? Well, break it.” It might be an overly simplistic analogy for Pam’s work as a therapist, but there is something about the song that perfectly captures what sets Pam apart from so many other clinicians: she…

…isn’t going to sit back and endlessly validate you. Having been through so much in her life, she knows there’s no getting unstuck without personal agency being involved in the process.

Professional pet-peeve: One of the best things about Pam is that she’s not an unclear person. She’s direct, assertive, curious, and communicative in the therapeutic process, and in her life. While she does believe in unconditional positive regard for her clients, her pet-peeve comes from the mispractice of that same orientation. Pam believes that unconditional validation and support can accidentally enable client’s stuckness, impair client growth, and prevent clients from learning how to get more comfortable with the discomfort they are experiencing. From Pam’s perspective, unconditional positive regard means you know clients are capable of more and therapists are willing to “push people, even if it’s just a little bit past where they think they’ll be comfortable.”

Favorite tool in the Therapist Toolbox: Pam has a very diverse caseload. From queer children to conservative, older couples, Pam tailors her toolbox to meet each client where they are at because the tools that work in one space don’t always translate. However, Pam has found one tool that transcends demographics entirely: Self-of-the-Therapist. This tool is when a unique therapist shares more of their personality, experience, world view, and belief systems with clients in order to create a genuine sense of connection, intersubjectivity, and attachment with a unique client. While that might sound like Pam just talks about herself a lot, what it actually means is that she uses her deep well of human experience to inform and relate to others in order to normalize absurd, upsetting, or uncomfortable experiences clients may be experiencing.

If you have any questions about Pam, her approach, or think she might be a fit for you, please reach out to us at bizoffice@birchcounseling.com. Otherwise, stay tuned for our next blog post where we put the spotlight on Self-of-the-Therapist, and how Pam incorporates it into her approach.

HOLIDAYS DURING THE PANDEMIC: ADAPTING OUR TRADITIONS

We like to anticipate the holidays. This special time includes food, family, friends, and a built-in break from the daily grind. 

However even in the best of holiday circumstances, sometimes the idea of the holidays is more enjoyable than the reality. With all organizing, cleaning and cooking, combined with the uncertainty of who will show up, it's no wonder a 2014 survey found that "64% of people with mental illness report holidays make their conditions worse."  In 2020 we need to add to the mix chronic uncertainty, cabin fever, a pandemic, and a special stocking-stuffer: Ambiguous Loss. 

Ambiguous loss differs from traditional loss in that the loss itself is unclear; we don't fully know what or how much we have lost or if it's ever going to return to what used to be. Symptoms of ambiguous loss can include anxiety, depression, grief, and difficulty in making decisions.

Holiday rituals can be a powerful tool to help us feel a sense of familiarity and help us bounce back from feeling off. Since practicing most traditions is complicated during the pandemic, some non-traditional takes on holiday classics can help: 

Keep the Best Parts

• Getting together with loved ones: Start quarantining two weeks in advance and get a rapid covid test before getting together, keep groups small, and ensure that your group is all on the same page with social distancing practices.

• Sharing Food with Loved Ones: Create a plan to divide the cooking between family or friends and drop off portions for each household.

• Eating with loved ones remotely: Set up computers or cell phones with their own place settings; each device can correspond to a different person or household so everyone can still gather at the table and eat together. Or decide to eat together at a virtual table. Games like Animal Crossing, Minecraft, and Sims allow people, in avatar form, to gather around a table and eat in real-time.

• Hanging out Virtually with Loved Ones: Set up online games you all can play together through programs like JackBoxGames.com or HouseParty.co

Be creative with the Challenging Parts

• Guests who stop by unexpectedly: Keep a Zoom room open all day and send out your link to loved ones. People will be able to pop in and surprise you all day.

• The Stress of Cooking for an Army: Try a few recipes you've always wanted to make because this year, the pressure is off. Or even better, avoid the stress of cooking altogether and support a local restaurant by ordering your dinner to go.

• Awkward Conversations with Family: Get an awkward conversation card deck to get to know your household better or get them more prepared for next year's embarrassing moments.

• Going broke Buying (and shipping) Gifts: A "round-robin" gift exchange--with a set budget-- for different households is easier and cheaper than buying gifts for every person. You can also purchase a gift card or have food delivered from a local restaurant, make a gift donation to a charity, or encourage self-care with care packages!

For most people, 2020 has been a challenging year. If you or a loved one are struggling, are experiencing mental health concerns over this holiday season, or simply feel stuck on how to combat the holiday blues, please reach out to us at Birch Counseling. We are here to help. 

What Trauma Looks Likes →

In this powerful short film from producers Nathanael Matanick and Christina Matanick, we witness the impact of domestic violence on a young girl.  The consequences of her caregivers’ violence are far-reaching.  The girl's world is shattered, her family breaks apart, and her life is turned up-side-down.   

This is trauma.

This film shows graphically how trauma fragments the world outside.  But it also depicts how the world within is injured.  Trauma undermines self-esteem and erodes trust,  setting the stage for difficulties ahead.

As difficult as it is to watch,  the film illuminates the core elements of trauma.  It offers a starting place for understanding, repair, and hope.

When Empathy Hurts You – Part 2: Minnesota Nice

Having been born and raised in Minnesota, I am very familiar with “Minnesota nice” and the expectations that go along with it.  I have heard that he or she is “so nice” and knew from a young age that being “nice” was something important and valued in our culture.

We all likely know someone who presents as nice all the time – they are pleasing, agreeable, delightful. These individuals often have many friends and their kindness and selflessness is praised. Giving of oneself – often to the point of having nothing left to give – is seen as a virtue.
 
But what if we have this all wrong?

What if anger, dissatisfaction or other forms of unpleasant feelings are just part of the normal range of emotions and not giving them a voice or allowing them to be expressed can cause you harm?
 
Gabor Mate in this youtube video, speaking about his book “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress” highlights the importance learning how to express our anger in a healthy way arguing that unhealthy emotional expression (particularly anger) can have disastrous effects on not only our emotional health but our physical health as well.

Mate describes that each individual has two vital tasks in life: to attach to others and to be authentic. Babies are able to pick up on the stress of their caregivers and if they determine that the caregiver is too stressed out to care for their needs they will shut down and suppress their feelings thus compromising authenticity for the sake of the attachment.

The problem is that as adults we continue this pattern. He argues that there are three ways to deal with anger:

1.      Repress – which can come out as being nice
2.     Giving in – which can be displayed by acting it out
3.     Healthy processing of our anger – setting boundaries, talking about it and funneling the energy into healthy expressions

Mate outlines that our emotional systems mirror our immune system and when we do not take care of ourselves by setting boundaries and being authentic to our feelings it will show up in physical illness – autoimmune diseases and if you tend to repress, and heart attacks and stroke if you tend to give in. The risk of the healthy processing of anger, particularly in setting boundaries and saying “no” is that others may choose to not stick around but the costs may be even more disastrous.

It can be a helpful mental switch to view setting boundaries as an act of kindness since you are showing others that you value, respect and care for yourself. It seems time that “Minnesota Nice” applies to ourselves as well!

You deserve better than to be cushioned.

Technology has changed the way in which a lot of us work, socialize, and date. While there are benefits to this technology, there’s are also plenty of challenges, like the prevalence of an well known behavior that now has a new term: “cushioning.”

What is cushioning?
At worst, cushioning can be outright cheating on an exclusive partner or it can be flirtatious texting back and forth with new eligible singles. The people you're flirting with, aka the “cushion”, soften a fall should you break up with your significant other.  

While the idea of “cushioning” a relationship has been around since dating began, the speed with which we make decisions and access new potential partners has seemed to compound this problem, making cushioning part of a “Netflix and Chill” lifestyle.

Protect yourself from cushioning.
You deserve better than to be cushioned. Here are some red flags:

1.    Secretive about who they’re talking to via text or social media.

2.   Hot and cold behavior - one moment you’re the center of the world, the next they’re too busy.

3.   Evasive about giving you their physical whereabouts.

4.   Tendency to cancel plans last minute, often with vague and sometimes dramatic excuses (“my grandma’s in the hospital”).

5.  Won’t call when they say they will.

6.  Won’t introduce you to friends or family.

Trust your gut. Your intuition is trying to help you. When you feel blown off and manipulated, you probably are.

Please remind yourself you can do better than this.  A person who is truly interested in you will invest in time and energy in you, and follow up on plans.

Everyone has a Love Triangle

A love triangle is something we all have, and, no,  it’s not the kind of triangle you might be envisioning. 

For couples in a relationship, love can be broken down into three concepts that represent corners of a triangle as described in Robert Sternberg’s “Triangle Theory of Love.”  

These corners are Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment. Through these three simplified concepts, we can comprehend, navigate, and even grow our loving relationships.

Passion
It can be thought of as emotional reactivity, physical arousal, excitement.  We experience the feelings associated with passion as visceral and deep-rooted.  Passion can be strong sexual or romantic feelings, strong feeling such as anger or fear, or an enthusiastic zeal.  

Intimacy
This can be understood as a general interconnectedness we feel with someone, the level of closeness/comfort we feel with another.  There are many types of intimacy including physical (both sexual and non-sexual), emotional (feeling of closeness), intellectual (shared ideas), professional (work related), spiritual (involves similar existential and/or religious view), recreational (involves doing pleasurable things together), artistic (shared sense of beauty), etc.  

Commitment
This component is more cognitive or “cold," but often the necessary foundation of a relationship without which passion and intimacy are lost.  A couple makes certain culturally and value based agreed upon promises to each other regarding exclusivity.  Exclusivity may manifest in may ways including sexual fidelity, engagement / marriage / commitment ceremonies, intimacy and emotional fidelity, etc.   Prioritizing and protecting the couple relationship on a daily basis is a manifestation of commitment.  

An Unequal Triangle
If these three corners are given equal attention and energy from each person in the couple, the relationship is healthy, but if one side or two sides are dismissed, it creates relationship problems. 

1. Only Passion = infatuated love (e.g. an affair)
2. Only Commitment = empty love (e.g. lost spark and business-like)
3. Only Intimacy = liking (‘friend-zone’)
4. Commitment + Intimacy = compassionate love (innate/visceral attraction gone)
5. Commitment + Passion = fatuous love (simple, shallow)
6. Intimacy + Passion = romantic love (‘don juan-ism’, often infidelity manifests)

Whether we are in a new relationship or celebrating our 25th anniversary, it’s important to take review the corners of your relationship triangle.  By identifying which component needs enhancement, a couple can actively make changes to significantly strengthen the relationship.

Seeking Help for Opioid Addictions

Opioid addiction and deaths are on the rise. In 2016, 20,101 died from opioid overdoses.  Movies like “Trainspotting” and now “Trainspotting 2” have brought some of the realities and problems of opioid use to the public eye, but perhaps glorify it unintentionally. 

For whatever reasons are causing this trend, opioid overdoses on drugs like heroin continue to be one the rise. But, how does a doctor or a friend help someone with these addictions or even in the throws of an overdose? 

A Safe and Tested Solution
A medication called Naloxone has been used since 1961 by paramedics and first responders in 28 states to reverse the effects ofdrug overdoses. Naloxone is administered either through the nose (intranasal), as an intramuscular injection, or intravenously.

In the United States, naloxone is classified as a prescription medication, but is not a controlled substance. While it is legal to prescribe naloxone in every state, dispensing the drug by medical professionals (including physicians or other licensed prescribers) at the point of service is subject to rules that vary by jurisdiction. 

Obtaining Naxolone
In most states, you can purchase naloxone from a pharmacist directly without getting a prescription from a doctor. In Australia, as of February 1, 2016, naloxone is now available over-the-counter (OTC) in pharmacies without a prescription. It comes in single use filled syringe similar to law enforcement kits. In Canada, naloxone single-use syringe kits are distributed and available at various clinics and emergency rooms.

Avoiding Long-Term Complications
The sooner an opioid overdose is treated, the better, because it’s not just death that is the worry, but permanent brain damage and other injuries related to overdose. Even if you are not sure if someone is suffering an opioid overdose, Naloxone has been found to be safe and would have no effect on anyone without opioids in their system. The benefits of increasing availability of naloxone outweigh the risks. 

If you or someone you know has an opioid problem, get help as soon as possible in order to save their life. 

Are You in a Relationship with a Gaslighter?

What is Gaslighting? 
The term “gaslighting” is derived from the movie Gaslight (1944), in which a husband manipulates his wife until she thinks she’s losing her mind.   

This manipulation tactic is used in all kinds of relationships because, sadly, it’s effective. No matter who you are, you are susceptible. 

Why does it work? 
Gaslighters know confusion weakens us because we need a personal sense of reality. Their goal is to consistently make you question what you saw, heard or noticed. Over time, you may doubt your own perceptions.  Ultimately, you may give up and defer to the manipulator as the source of your truth and power.

How do you know when someone is gaslighting you? Ask yourself these questions: 

Do they deny their words or actions even in the face of verifiable proof? 
People who gaslight you tell blatant lies. You know they took the car keys. You saw it five minutes ago. Yet, they still deny they have them. This is a method to make you question your own reality.

Do they attack what’s most important to you? 
Kids are important to you. But they constantly tell you you shouldn’t have them. You’d be an unfit parent. 

Do they project their negative traits onto you? 
They lie. Constantly. When you confront them, they say that you are not smart enough to understand them.  They may suggest that you are the liar, not them. You end up having to defend yourself instead of discussing the problem. 

Do they tell others that you are crazy?
They isolate you by inviting people who support you to question your sanity. This is usually cloaked in grave concern for your welfare. 

Do they say that everyone is a liar? 
By telling you that everyone but them is a liar, it makes you question reality. The goal is to give them the position of power as the only source for the "correct" information.

Do you feel like you have no one to turn to?
People who gaslight you are usually charming.  They manage to get people close to you on their side, so you feel isolated. 

Are they randomly awesome, supportive, appreciative of you?
Gaslighters throw occasional niceties into their long string of interactions that are aimed at devaluing you. This is what hooks you, because after they succeeded in having you feel terrible for so long, a break feels incredibly welcoming.  You’ll want to believe they changed, and that everything will be different now.  You’ll believe this even if, or especially when, you’ve been around this cycle multiple times.  You look so nice today.  I’m lucky to have you.  I made your favorite meal, just for you.  You look tired, why don’t you take a break?  Let’s go out to your favorite restaurant tonight, it’ll help you feel better. It’s always short-lived, and it’s part of the gaslighting process.  It makes you feel they care, that you had really just misunderstood them, that, deep down, they have a good heart.  This will make you stay longer.

Are you starting to question your own grasp on reality despite data points not adding up?
Please remember: when stories consistently don’t add up, it means that they really don’t.  They are filled with lies, half-truths and intended omissions.  Trust your instincts. 

Have you decided it’s just easier to not say anything, even when you feel something’s very wrong?  
A person who gaslights wins by attrition, by wearing you down over time until you question yourself and avoid bringing up what concerns you.  

If you think you may be in a relationship with a person who gaslights you, it’s time to find someone who can help. Contact a family member or friend outside the manipulator's circle of loyalty, or contact a therapist to help you get out of this toxic relationship