If you’ve ever been in a position where you are trying to get to know someone, such as a kid or someone shy, it’s not an unusual tactic to try to open up a little to them. The hope is, of course, that by making a disclosure about ourselves, that they will reciprocate in kind. Even though it’s used as a common intervention between teachers and students, spiritual leaders and practitioners, and in various professional settings, it’s often considered taboo for a therapist to disclose about themself during a client session. After all, no client comes to therapy to listen to their therapist talk about themself!
Self-of-the-Therapist isn’t used by therapists to update you about their life, confide in you about the drama in their relationship, or process their past. It’s when a highly skilled therapist is able to use the work they have done on themself, insight they have gained or skills they have learned along the way, and share it intentionally with a client to create a teachable moment, joining opportunity, or as a measure of sorts to assess a client’s morals, values, and idiosyncrasies. If done correctly, a shared understanding of the world starts to develop from the shared--and contrasting--experiences of the world. From there, a certain degree of comradery starts to develop between the client and the therapist, a feeling like, “okay, we’re really in this together... we get and want to talk about this thing that not everyone else does or can!”
The problem is: it’s considered taboo or unusual for a reason. For it to be an effective technique, the therapist doing it has to be well, having done (and continuing to do) the work on themself. They would also have to be able to be their most authentic and vulnerable self, present and dynamic, ethical and informative, all while tailoring the right disclosure, at the right moment, for the right person. Plus, they have to do it without having a formal class on it in graduate school! In short, it’s taboo because not all therapists do it well, and when done poorly, it can cause irreparable harm to the therapeutic relationship and/or the client.
Why does Pam like it? “It helps clients open up,” she says, and she believes it builds a trust that she “might be able to get it in a way that their past therapists, friends, or families don’t.” She uses her experiences as a mom, as a professional across different industries, experiences in different times or relationships, whatever might prove insightful, curious, or normalizing in the moment to the client. “It’s always about building that different understanding, that sort of magic moment when you both just get it, that can make this work so rewarding” to Pam.
It also helps that Pam is good at it. Whether in client sessions or consultation with other therapists, Pam is a wealth of knowledge and insight, warmth and grounding, as well as compassion and empathy, which translate whether you're in the office with her or having a virtual meeting. Her skill comes from her experiences doing her own work, and having had a therapist who “could talk about himself for a half hour without even noticing.” She wants to ensure clients never have to experience that, and welcomes the feedback if you find her “a little chatty sometimes.”
If you think Pam or another Self-of-the-Therapist provider at our practice might be a fit for you, or have any additional questions about this approach, please feel free to reach out to our team at BizOffice@birchcounseling.com. We look forward to introducing you to another team member in June!
References:
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/160940691201100504
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/202001/how-thera pists-use-the-self-during-therapy https://www.wyomingcounselingassociation.com/wp-content/uploads/Lum-200 2-Self-Of-Therapist-Satir.pdf
