In a normal year, January would be our starting-point for identifying all the changes we want to make in the next 12 months. But this isn’t a normal year, and as a means of coping with the uncertainty and disappointments of 2020, many of us started making our resolution list a little early this year. Birthdays, holidays, and traditions only feel remotely tolerable right now because we are promising ourselves that we will have more memorable ones next year. Similar to promising ourselves we would use that gym membership more, or spend less, or whatever resolution you tend towards, we often find ourselves at great (or even guaranteed) risk of disappointment.
Part of why this happens is because humans have a predisposition towards thinking errors, also known as cognitive distortions, which cause us to struggle to identify what is realistic. One of the hardest cognitive distortions to overcome is referred to as magical thinking, and it can frequently be found masquerading as its healthier counterpart, positive thinking. These two are difficult to distinguish from each other because, fundamentally, they are not all that different. Each side wants things to be better, require belief that all parts involved have the capacity to change, and both can contribute to an optimistic outlook on the horizon. We need to have faith things can be different, and that we can feel different, perhaps now more than ever.
Where positive, or magical, thinking tips over into unhealthy territory is when we set expectations that are impossible to achieve, unintentionally keeping us stuck in unhealthy patterns. When we set these kinds of expectations for ourselves, others, or institutions, we are engaging in what the 12-step community commonly refers to as “premeditated resentments.” We end up building logs of evidence, expectations and failures, compounding hurt and disappointment, increasing our pressure and avoidance of the behaviors needed to succeed. It is, in short, a set-up-to-fail. And no one needs any unnecessary hardship next year. Luckily, there is a better way, and you don’t need therapy to do it.
Some of you might be familiar with SMART goals, which stands for: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. Therapists often use this acronym when setting goals and objectives for client treatment plans. If increasing health is a goal, we ask you specifically what you mean by that—how would you measure your success? Is it achievable for you in your given context and circumstance? Do you have evidence you have the capacity to do it at the level you are setting out for, or should we lower the bar just a bit to help you gain your confidence? Every few months, we check back in about these goals and revise them based on how you have been doing, not what you thought you would be capable of. Missed a day of exercise because you were sick? Sure! Missed a day of exercise because you skipped Monday and so the whole week is basically a moot point? We can work on that!
However, at home, we encourage the SMARTER approach, adding: Expectations and Rigidity to the mix. Ensure that you are expecting some setbacks and failures along the way, and that your expectations aren’t outside of your control (like wanting a parent or partner to change). Assess if your goals are too rigid (it can only happen in this way at these times in this way), or are too weak under external fluctuations (like needing to move or a job change). Through taking the SMARTER approach, you can mitigate the risks of over-relying on positive thinking, let go of thinking errors and thoughts about how things “should be”, and cultivate the resilience and mental flexibility to make the most out of how things actually are. This should allow you to work smarter, not harder, on all the ways you’ll make 2021 the best it can be.
Wishing you all a Happier, Healthier, and SMARTER 2021!
